What Men Want in the Bedroom

The particular varieties of sexual play vary with the men. Let's look at the deeper level.

Q. What do men want in bed? 

A. What guys want in bed includes

  1. a woman who is attractive,

  2. a woman who is comfortable with her body, her sexuality, and herself,

  3. a woman who can represent The Feminine for him,

  4. a woman who shows enthusiasm for sex,

  5. a woman he can satisfy sexually.

What he wants in bed for himself includes

  1. to achieve sexual release,

  2. and most importantly, to achieve intimacy.

He wants to please you

To please him, respond to him. Let him know he is pleasing you.

I went out with a woman a few times who lay rigid beside me while we were petting. She wouldn't even turn her head to kiss. She made no sound. When I asked her to give me some feedback, she said I was pleasing her, and that if I wasn't, she'd let me know.

Great. I'd only hear negative things.

He wants you to wear The Feminine for him

Understand that at its core, male sexuality is not personal — it is larger than personal. Male sexuality can be thought of as the worship of the Goddess, the archetypal Feminine.

The bedroom is the holy sanctuary, the bed is the altar, your body is the idol of the Goddess, and you are the priestess conducting the sacred rites.

Sex is a mystical experience. The sex act is like meditation: preceding the climax is mindfulness. Orgasm is absorption.

Okay, the playfulness of the bedroom doesn't resemble the reverence of church services I grew up with. The metaphor isn't perfect.

Beyond being the priestess in the sacrament, you perform one of the most important functions in your man's life. You provide him with his only intimacy.

He wants intimacy

Men crave intimacy. They deeply need to feel close to another human being, but the main way open to them is through physical intimacy.

You can talk about your deepest feelings with your girlfriends. Men can't. They don't have that kind of relationship with their buddies. Mostly, male interactions are a kind of sparing, jostling for position. Men are always competing with other men, perhaps to prove they are worthy of mating — like elk butting heads. Men can achieve a closeness with other men by working on the same projects or sharing experiences — camaraderie — which will be as intense as the experience is. Outside of war and team sports, intense camaraderie is rare.

Boys learn growing up not to be open about their feelings. Whenever they've opened up and been vulnerable, they've been chewed up and spat out. (And not only by the guys.)

When you are with a man in bed, you are helping him be close to another human being the best way he can. He needs you for that, and he is so vulnerable. You can so easily betray him. But when you have built closeness through sex, he will be able to trust you with his feelings.

Here's what Kara Oh says about what men want in bed:

You will find more of Kara Oh's videos in our minicourse on Understanding Men. Sign up in the side bar.


Respond to him. Let him hear plenty of positives. Don't reserve your responses for criticism.

Create an intimate environment in the bedroom. Here is Kara's take on it:

You will find more of Kara Oh's videos in our minicourse on Understanding Men. Sign up in the side bar.

Represent The Feminine for him in bed. Sleep in the nude if you are comfortable doing so.  This does two things: you are physically intimate and you represent The Feminine. If you find you can't be comfortable sleeping nude, try wearing very feminine nightgowns.

Don't withhold sex as a weapon or an attempt to manipulate him. Physical intimacy is the trunk of the tree. It supports your entire relationship. It must be kept healthy.

Appreciate him and his being a male. Don't look down on his sexuality because it is not like your own. Appreciate it when he looks at your body. Appreciate it when he touches you. It is not just him ogling or groping you. It is intimacy for him. 

Men want to be understood and appreciated. You can learn many of the things you need to know about men in our mini course on Understanding Men. Sign up for it in the sidebar.