Why Men Want More than One Woman
Men
can be both committed and unfaithful at the same time. It's not just
abnormal psychology: infidelity and commitment both offer evolutionary
advantages. For understanding infidelity, it helps to consider natural
selection.
Are we really not naturally monogamous? An estimated
45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in
extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship.
(The figure is quoted by Joan D. Atwood and Limor Schwartz, Journal of
Couple & Relationship Therapy, 2002.)
There are clear
evolutionary reasons for men to be unfaithful. Any genetic tendency
towards having sex with more women would increase the presence of those
genes in the gene pool. That is precisely what evolution selects for.
The
mechanisms by which this works include (as men report) becoming "bored"
with a relationship with one partner and a felt need for "variety."
To
men sex and commitment are separate things. One way men have evolved to
increase their genes in the gene pool is by being committed to a family
and to raising their children to maturity. Another way is by having sex
with many women. Both of those tendencies are present simultaneously.
Powerful,
successful men are inclined to have multiple sexual partners. Consider
other mammals, like elk. There is no question why the males compete.
The winner gets the harem. Isn't it likely that the success drive in
men evolved for the same reason? Extra resources for a few offspring
wouldn't have as much selective advantage as having as having a great
many offspring.
Successful men think they have it coming to have
more sexual partners. Indeed, the more successful they are, the more
women who want to have sex with them. Some women make it a project.
Consider Alma Maria Mahler Gropius Werfel who became wife or mistress
of many of the important creative men in Vienna.
What should you
do if your husband is unfaithful? It depends much on his infidelity's
meaning. Don't rush to take it personally. It may be more about him
being a man than it is about you or your relationship.
What commitment do you want? A man is capable of being committed to a marriage even if he strays occasionally.
If
you expect perfection against strong evolutionary pressure to the
contrary, you are likely to be disappointed. You can't even get him to
clean up after himself, and there is no particular natural selection
for messiness.
Infidelity is an occasion for a discussion of
commitment to your relationship and its problems. Other than just from
being men, men often stray because they are unhappy with their wives or
having difficulties with their relationships.
These discussions are difficult for men. They do not have much expertise in thinking about relationships or discussing feelings.
When
a man commits, he commits to a particular, attractive woman who admires
and values him. After marriage, women change. They typically gain
weight. They try to change their husbands by pointing out their flaws.
The reasons for the initial commitment erode. A new woman who is
admiring and attractive is, well, attractive.
To retain
commitment, it helps to understand that men respond to Femininity and
to individual women who understand and appreciate them. If your
behavior displays the grace of femininity and you understand and
appreciate him as a man, you will be able to retain his commitment,
even if not always his perfection.
See other pages on our site to read more on male sexuality and infidelity for men.
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